SHAKING THE TREE ... #27
Why you can never go home
I was born and grew up on the outskirts of Stoke-on-Trent in North Staffordshire, England. I left England in May of 1999 when I was offered a job in the United States.
I’ve been here in the U.S. now for 24 years. This is home.
As British cities go, Stoke-on-Trent is something of an oddity. Although it’s technically a city, it’s really a conurbation of six independent towns: Tunstall, Burslem, Hanley, Stoke, Fenton, and Longton.
I used to work in Hanley, which at the time was the main shopping centre.
Since leaving England I’ve been back just five times, most recently, I spent most
of the last week of July there. This was my first visit back ‘home’ since 2007.
Although it was great to see my mum and my sisters and my brothers-in-law, and while it was equally great to see my aunt and uncle, and despite the oddity of driving on the wrong side of the road again—stay to the left!—while certain things remain the same, a great deal had changed.
Several buildings I knew long ago as major landmarks have either been pulled down or have been replaced. The missing, one familiar façades punched oddly disconcerting holes in the streetscape and the skyline. These changes contributed to an oddly charged sense of displacement and nostalgia for the past mixed with surprise and discovery at the new.
Multiple road junctions have changed (there used to be a roundabout here!). My wife seemed bemused with my gasps of “This used to be such and such!”
As a shopping centre, Hanley is oddly devoid of life. Much of the bustle of the place has gone; multiple stores and businesses have closed or filed for bankruptcy. Several stately old buildings are now empty and gently disintegrating—most notably Hanley Town Hall.
Leaving England almost 25 years ago was a life-changing decision I made for various personal reasons. Over the years, I’ve built a new life here in the U.S. embracing its culture, language, and way of life.
While I cherish the memories of my homeland and the connections I once had, going back after such a long time made me feel like a stranger in a strange land.
Cultural disconnect: after almost two and a half decades away, cultural norms and practices in England have evolved. It was refreshing to see greater cultural and ethnic diversity, yet, what was once familiar at times feel oddly foreign to me. The social dynamics, customs, and traditions I once understood left me feeling a little out of touch with the current cultural context.
Language barrier: after living in a different country for so long, I’ve naturally become aware of the differences between American and British English while at the same time doing my best to retain my Britishness. While I still understand my native tongue, it felt equal parts odd and familiar hearing the local accent. One of my mum’s neighbours, who I’ve never met before, seemed convinced i’d acquired an American accent, which isn’t the case.
Altered social circle: my friends and family have moved on with their lives, forging new relationships and forming different circles. Reconnecting with them evoked a raft of mixed and charged emotions. Because our visit was so short, we focused our time on my mum and my sisters.
Different priorities: our priorities and perspectives change as we experience new places and cultures. My values and what I find important in life might not necessarily align with the prevailing mindset in England right now, or ever come to think of it. This difference in priorities created a net of mixed feelings of not belonging or of being unable to fully relate to the local culture while also wanting to know more.
Reverse culture shock: after living abroad for so long, adapting to life in my home country triggered something of a reverse culture shock. The things I once took for granted now seem unusual or unexpected, which led to an odd sense of disorientation and confusion.
Loss of connection to local affairs: being away for nearly 25 years means I’ve lost touch with the day-to-day affairs and political developments in England, and within the local area. Conversations and debates about current events—COVID, Brexit—left me feeling like something of an outsider, wanting to contribute while also being aware that I’m quite unable to contribute meaningfully to discussions.
Different life trajectories: having spent a significant portion of my life overseas, my personal and professional growth have followed a somewhat different trajectory from that of my peers back home. These differences in life experiences created something of a sense of familiarity tinged with disconnect.
Can you ever go home and feel at home once you’ve been away for an extended period of time?
I don’t think you can. Not really. Not fully.
You might be there. You might be present. But on some level, I think you’ll always feel apart; you’ll always feel like something of an outsider, an observer.
Places, people, attitudes, and environments … in one way or another they all change over time. Likewise our memories and our gut instincts for how things once were but now no longer are.
In “The Wheel”, the last episode of the first season of AMC Television series Mad Men, which first aired in mid-October of 2007.
As the marriage of the show’s central and deeply-flawed character Don Draper is falling apart in the background, Don has a meeting with two representatives from Kodak as they search for an advertising idea for a new slide projector.
Don’s pitch to the people from Kodak is as follows:
Returning to England after nearly 25 years evoked a complex and tangled mix of memories, emotions, and feelings: some good, some not so good; some strange, some refreshingly new.
But I can never go back. Not really. Not fully.
And that’s OK.
While I may have a certain number of cherished memories and a degree of fondness for my roots, the passage of time and through cultural changes and evolving priorities left me feeling like a stranger in a land I once called home.
Despite the potential challenges, going back to England presented an opportunity for for a certain degree of self-reflection, reconnection, and rediscovery of a part of myself that’s remained connected to my homeland, albeit from afar.
But this is home now.
As always, thanks for reading.
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P.S. Next time on Shaking the Tree … Changing names from Twitter to X is stupid …